By Zach Larson
The Midwestern Dad exhibits
Fascinating ritualistic behaviors:
Weather forecasts yield to his arthritic knee,
Windsor knots manifest at his command,
And vehicles mysteriously heal in his presence—
Field researchers note his characteristic response:
“Just basic maintenance,” he sighs sagely,
As if bearing gentle witness to the slow
Extinction of human mechanical knowledge.
While some specimens communicate
Through profound wisdoms or warm embraces,
Our subject belongs to a rarer subspecies:
The Practical Patriarch, known for
Expressing affection through
Meticulously filed 1040 forms
Further study suggests
These behaviors, though puzzling,
Are in fact sophisticated demonstrations
Of love in its most pragmatic form—
Like a magician who claims
There’s nothing up his sleeve,
While pulling miracles from thin air
And calling them “common sense.”
