by Andrew Mathwick
At midnight you whispered reviews
for the movie Yogi Bear 3D into my ear.
“According to rottentomatoes.com,
Yogi Bear’s 3D effects,
and all-star voice cast,
are cold comfort,
“Some reviewers are saying,
an all-out attack on the eyes and ears…”
“Taking the kids to a matinee of Yogi Bear in 3D is no picnic.”
You whispered, “The movie stars Justin Timberlake as Boo Boo bear.”
And you whispered, “six, six, six.”
The Drano under my sink is looking like Mountain Dew today.
I am thirsty.
I like to make eye contact with it.
Sometimes I have an
“I am going to drink Drano” facial expression.
But I will not drink it.
According to Yahoo Answers, drinking Drano will melt my body,
According to Yahoo Answers,
in the 1960s
accidentally drank small amounts of Drano.
I am looking
at a mirror.
I have had COVID-19 symptoms for 90-100% of my life.
I think there is global warming inside me.
In 2011 I went on Facebook.com
I felt happy and relaxed.
In 2022 I feel like I have a rare undiagnosed illness.
Or that I am being slowly poisoned to death.
My nervous system is ten million spiders
kissing each other
all at the same time.
They can’t stop kissing
or I’ll die.
After long consideration,
Air Bud is the best movie to makeout to.
We Bought a Zoo starring academy award winner,
Scarlett Johansson and,
academy award winner Matt Damon,
comes in second place.
In the movie Air Bud
Buddy the golden retriever joins a high school basketball team
after leaving his job as an assistant to a professional clown.
Buddy the golden retriever wins the high school basketball championship
and is awarded most valuable dog.
I will kiss you when Buddy makes a three-point shot.
He uses his nose and lips to shoot the basketball.
I will hold your head like a basketball.
I will kiss your basketball head.
I will kiss you harder than Buddy the dog kisses the basketball.
And I will three-point shot kiss you.
I will kiss you like I am a dog playing basketball,
about to win a high school championship.
You will feel like you have just played a full
48-minute game of basketball after I have kissed you.
Your mouth tastes like a golden retriever.
And basketball rubber.
I am scared
I need to pray for the moon to explode itself into the earth.
I need to pray that the world vibrates
until everything starts resembling Nickelodeon slime.
Nothing is less scary than Nickelodeon slime.