Artist Statement
Through the series Clown-Stop, I explore the manifestations of anxiety through the performance of a sad clown and self-portraiture. In every area of my life, I have been identified as a comedian, someone to make everyone else laugh with my charming wit. Yet, behind closed doors, I struggle daily with depression and a crippling panic disorder. However, much like a clown-stop, these interludes as the sad clown become representational of the insecurities and anxieties that take over all aspects of my life, the obstacles that keep me from being the best version of myself. Influenced by performance artists and my own practice of improvisational comedy, I visualize a transformation, capturing my portrait in various stages of becoming a clown, then defacing the life-size prints by physically transferring makeup from my face to the paper’s surface. With each clown face to print impression, make-up diminishes as the full-on clown presents. Either way – a greasy mess or subtle smear – the clown remains. Complementing these works on paper, I perform my unease through gifs that manifest my social anxieties. To further externalize, the costume I wore throughout my performances doubles as the canvas on which I journal my thoughts and feeling navigating mental illness. As the character of the sad clown, I invite the viewer to sit with their discomfort and reflect upon the parts of themselves that keep them from achieving the happiness they desire.
