Others have written about overuse and gender dynamics around saying “sorry”. Here I encourage you to use this simple word as a case study to up your confidence and professional communication.

Start with awareness. If you find yourself saying “sorry” frequently, be curious about the situations and reasons. Are you apologizing for the universe (traffic) or for being human (illness)? Remember – we want you here, and are not expecting super-human perfection.

Alternately, are you apologizing again and again for something that you could correct? What is stopping you from making the needed change?

Look for situations where you can make a simple verbal shift toward “thank you”. Instead of “Sorry I’m late”, try “Thank you for waiting for me and I understand that our meeting will still need to end on time.” Instead of “I’m sorry I forgot to add in those citations”, try “Thank you for still being willing to work with me on this project. I’ll take care of this right away and will check more carefully next time”. Shifting the conversation to your gratitude, and taking responsibility for correction, is much more likely to strengthen your relationships with others than a pat “sorry”.

And when you have the stomach lurch signaling a true need for relationship repair, say your “sorry” slowly, with meaning, as a promise not to repeat the harm.

Mistakes happen. It’s how you move forward that matters. A pro-active, relationship-preserving attitude and taking responsibility for making right is acceptable everywhere.

A Simplified Hierarchy

Dean
Department Chair
Faculty
(Full) Professor
Associate Professor (often with tenure)
Assistant Professor
(Middle area with terms like Research Scientist or Instructor)
Trainees
Post-Doc
Doctoral Student
Master’s Student
Undergraduate Student

Many institutions have faculty tracks that run alongside the typical tenure-track, such as Research Faculty (for whom teaching expectations are lower and grant funding higher) or Clinical Faculty (who perform clinical duties). These tracks may also have ranks such as Professor, Associate, and Assistant. Whether appropriate or not, Research Faculty positions tend to have less status than Tenure Track.

Staff members might function within the hierarchy. An example is a lab tech who works under a faculty member and performs at the level of a doctoral student. Other staff members, such as graduate program managers, exist outside of the hierarchy, with the good ones having sway even over full professors.

Rail against this hierarchy if you want, but it does serve some purposes and it’s best to know about it. It provides information about where someone is in their career trajectory. Someone “above you” in the hierarchy might be more able to provide advice and mentorship, someone at a similar level is often a great collaborator, and someone “below you” might benefit from introductions to others. The hierarchy also provides guidelines on behavior, as follows. Deference and assistance should be directed upward in the hierarchy, while support and guidance should be directed downward. For example, a master’s student should not dictate the time or place of a meeting with a faculty member, but instead should take on more travel time or inconvenience burden. The faculty member should then be forthcoming with advice and support toward the student, and should provide ample opportunity for participation and growth. This exchange could also be seen where a post-doctoral fellow mentors an undergraduate student in learning the basics of an area of research, with the undergraduate being the person to come in on weekends to keep experiments running.

The academic hierarchy does not dictate who is correct or in error or who may have great ideas. An undergraduate may have a striking idea. A full professor may make a mistake (and should admit doing so). Ideally, respectful discourse and collegiality will exist across all levels of the academic hierarchy. Similarly, there should be no wall of privilege, but instead full access to knowledge, where the savvy and prepared undergraduate may expect an email response back from a full professor. Individuals at a higher level are in no way “better than” those lower, and hazing or disrespect have no place.

In truth, individuals and institutions will be at various stages of embracing this kind and supportive hierarchy. Look for those that allow the support to flow in both directions to lift everyone up, and when it is your turn, make it so.

Duh, right? Of course all science is done by human beings. But really – think about this. It means that scientific results can be in error (and whoo boy does this happen!). It means that there is an agenda, hopefully ethical, hopefully balanced, behind any given study. It also means that the very most important tools of all science are the humans that do the work. This is a wonderful, beautiful thing. You can reach out to these humans. Like all humans, they want to be loved and recognized. Sincere interest in their work is highly likely to form a connection. Being aware of and following the path of the humans behind the work will deepen the story and your understanding. Reaching out to these humans will do even more. Look for opportunities to connect, with professionalism and enthusiasm, with other scientists, and watch the sparks ignite and your enjoyment grow.

Welcome to your doctoral degree. We have some structure for you. But did you know that it is you who must drive this bus? You will decide on your timeline. You will make sure that your courses meet requirements. You will keep an eye on your funding, when it expires, and will pursue opportunities to fund yourself in future years. You will set your goals. You will know when to seek help, whether it be a financial need or determining a dissertation project, and will be persistent in securing that help. Have you ever heard of managing up and managing down? You must manage your chair – asking for meetings, sending reminders and agendas, asking where you should be putting your time, even asking – what’s next? You must also manage yourself, of course. Treat yourself like a tremendously valued and respected employee that deserves clear direction, reasonable timelines, and appreciation for a job well done. Because you are not only driving this bus. You are also the engine.

The waters are rising in my area. Two feet of accumulated snow is melting quickly, and it is raining. All of that wet has to go somewhere. It pools in fields and forms rivulets at the edges of dirt roads, filling little streams. With time, that flow enters a larger stream (which also is beset by melt and rain) and so on, until the river must accept it all. Once it starts rising, it will continue from the upstream force, and very, very little can be done to stop the process. The moving water has tremendous power and can do great damage.

A problem (or 5) will beset you during your graduate training. It may be a minor trickle or it may be a rushing stream. It could be difficulty in a course, a bad grade, not meeting a deadline, a professional betrayal, a mistake, a mental or physical illness, or a personal situation that is severely impacting your studies. It could be a crisis of confidence or fear. Don’t let yourself get washed out or submerged in the flood. Catch your problem in the early stages by being aware and respectful of yourself. And then own it and take responsibility.

Prepare yourself now with the following perspectives before you are submerged: 1) Everyone has problems. 2) Having a problem is not shameful. 3) How you deal with your problem is the only thing that is now in your control. 4) Being pro-active and acting early will help you solve the problem more quickly and more easilly, and will be seen by others as taking full responsibility for your own success. 5) Reaching out to others is part of being pro-active and responsible.

Trust yourself that you can manage this balance, that you will know when to reach out, and that you will get through this.

Do you know the skills that are called “soft”? They include your ability to network, give an effective presentation, sell your ideas, be strategic, write, work with integrity and harmony with others, and more. You know that these skills aren’t easy, right? You know that they are tremendously important for your capacity to do your work and bring it into the world, right? If you are lucky, your graduate program will teach these skills right alongside with subject matter. Yet in large part mastering these skills is up to you. Pay attention, and don’t be afraid to model and adapt effective styles. Ask people directly. Find ways to study and practice these skills like you would any other.

Hi there. I know some things about you. I know that you are reading this blog, and therefore have some sort of interest in new ideas, interest in your own growth. You are also likely in graduate school, which means you have had some success in your life to get you to this point, success which points to your abilities to have more success in the future. Because I know these things (and even if I didn’t), I know that if you want it, you will be able to do such big things to make the world a better place that you can’t even comprehend it right now. No – bigger than that. (And I bet you want it). Human potential is amazing and astounding and you are already on a growth trajectory. Aim high my friend. Stop making excuses and putting up barriers. Get out of your own way. Go bigger than you think. After all, who are you to assume that you are so special as to be incapable or unworthy or not up to this amazing task of being an amazing human?

Maybe you like school and want more of it. Maybe you excel at academics and figure this is a way to get a job. Maybe you really like being known for your mental prowess. (It might be a small crowd, but there is a crowd that will notice when you publish or get a grant). Maybe you are just good at this, and are following your talents. Maybe you got really turned on about a subject matter or a question, and you just won’t rest until you learn more. All of these (and more) are reasons why you may be a doctoral student. There is nothing wrong with these reasons. But there is one reason that stands out: the desire to make the world a better place. Yup – this phrase happens to be a core value of US scouting (all genders). And here’s the thing – This reason, more than the others, will help you align with other people (instead of being in competition with them.) This reason will not fade as you grow (and grow). This reason is compatible with your best life. And bonus! – This reason just might make the world a better place. Consider how this goal sits with you. Have the courage to let your idealism show a little (or a lot).

I used to roll my eyes at the sentiment that we were all special and wonderful because of our uniqueness (insert rainbow vomit emoji). But then I was helped to understand this more deeply. Only YOU have had your experiences, the good AND the bad, and these are inside you. Your work in the world will embody all of this experience. (Yes – even, perhaps, THAT experience). I will tell you that all of it will be in your research. It could be a unique sensitivity, or a turn of phrase in your writing, or an innovative twist, or the question you will address. So follow the form and be appropriate, of course. But let it out. It’s not only OK, but it is THE way that you will make the world a better place.

Congratulations – you have been accepted to a doctoral program! This means that we (the faculty) think there is a high likelihood that you will successfully complete the program and become our future colleague. And guess what. We are actually banking on this, with our time and even financial resources that go toward your training. So not only are you in (the program), but we (especially your advisor/chair), are IN. We are rooting for you. We got your back. Feel this and know this – this synergy between our success and your success, and that a major part of your evaluation is behind you. We are in this – together.